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Tags: Desperate Housewives, Family Guy, Firefly, friends, futurama, Lost, Seinfeld, simpsons
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We’re not robots yet, HAL!

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

"What Photoshop filters did you use, mum?"

When your parents handed you old photographs when they were young, possibly from their wedding or their high school days, there’s a real sense of generations sharing a moment of history.

I’ll cringe handing over my old photos to my kids on an SD card, saying how back in the ol’ days we only had 12 megapixel cameras.

While the new generation is right in the middle amongst the excitement of electronic everything, it’s good news to read that no one’s fully prepared to go 100 percent digital.

Hewlett Packard’s latest ‘Evolution of Digital Media’ survey for has shown that from the over 1,000 British participants, seventy-three percent of people from 16 to 60 still don’t see a fully digital conversion to buy music and movies.

Oh goody! 14% battery life left. That's...four pages to go.

It’s relieving to know that ninety-five percent still prefer physical books to e-books. Sure, the iPad and Kindle are fancy and look great reading on a subway or bus, but I’d much prefer to get my $20 book stolen than a $600 book. I’d never feel comfortable flaunting such equipment to read about what Bill Bryson’s up to lately.

After reading the survey, I thought back to the last time I had physically printed out any photo at all, which turned out to be from a all-day concert where my camera got more crunch out of a moshpit than my bones, and I wasn’t going to miss photographing the stage presence of Muse.

Remember me?

A physical memento has much more strength as something to pass down to others, or to give as a gift, as say a music player.

Vinyl players have a better warmth to the albums that have been engraved into it. And when the lights go out, and there’s no spark left coming from your power outlet, who’s going to keep you entertained?

You could bottle the vinyl record store smell.

Looking at the album booklet in a PDF file loses almost all effect that the artist has spent countless hours slaving over to represent the tracks that the band has worked so hard to produce.

Getting interrupted with a ‘BUFFERING’ notice in the middle of our TV shows cuts out the flow that makes those shows so gripping for viewers.

Seeing the DVD wall in a theatre room is much more impressive than seeing the amount of gigabytes stored on a hard drive.

I’m glad this survey exists, though I find it funny that a digital survey has given me hope.

So celebrate your collection, before we all rely on power generators to keep those b-sides of Sex Pistol performances alive.

Tags: album, cdwow, digital, download, DVD, e-book, movies, music
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Oh no, oh noooo…

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

So...damn...smug...

After bending over backwards for all those charities, it seems age has taken its toll for the Irish humanitarian Bono, who has just had emergency back surgery.

This has halted the tour for U2, and a lot of 50-something women are quite upset that their ‘I HEART BONO’ shirts aren’t going to get the attention to win the wealthy man over.

I’m thinking that this injury could help out the band though.

Think about it this way. With all of those painkillers in his system, he might possibly sound passionate about something, being lost in his thoughts.

At the moment, he seems to be swimming in an ocean of his own smugness on stage. How about taking him off the stage completely? Then you’d have the perfect venue for anyone who are on any hallucinagens, without feeling guilty about having the better life.

Come to think of it, Bill Bailey demonstrated what U2 would sound like if The Edge lost his effect pedals. I think what we need is a ‘U2: Unplugged’ tour. Forget the effects, and the sunglasses-wearing-at-midnight singer, and just focus on the MUSIC.

When the bassist from Muse broke his wrist, did he stop playing? No, he thumped away at the strings with a bright white cast still wet from the doctor’s office (after the bassist from The Streets helped a bit).

Did Josh Homme stop the Queens of the Stone Age gig at a huge European festival when someone threw a shoe at him? No, he halted the gig and proceeded to insult the guy in the audience until the punk kid came out, and he threw the shoe back.

Sticks and stones may break his bones, but words will never escape him.

Did Jared Leto stop playing when he broke his nose while running into the crowd? No, apparently he finished the gig and thought it was one of his best shows (But it’s Jared Leto, he ran into the audience so I don’t care. But the point still remains!).

Did Iggy Pop stop after getting ANY injury in his million year career? Come on, we all know the answer to that.

Stop your whinging for something real like world hunger, wear a spinal brace and start saying “Hello, hello”.

Oh, and condolences to the U2 fans out there. They’ll be on stage soon. Not going to give up all that ticket money so easily, are we?

The last time they cancelled, never heard the end of it from people I knew. It was like something bad actually happened…

Tags: bono, charity, concert, iggy pop, injury, rock, U2
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Don’t look, just listen

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Love is but a few clicks away.

It’s good to know even nowadays that people everywhere are still trying to become experts at writing ‘Classifieds’.

It started in newspapers, then moved to the highly sophisticated computer in video, then online.

Whether it be giving our best angled shot to charm the man/woman/thing of our dreams, or spicing up our social network profiles, there always seems to be something missing.

Our fascination at trying to find Mr/s Right online nowadays has become a bit of a joke, when we try expressing our feelings without coming off as a cliché or too cheesy.

So what’s the next step from our online dating services?

Song lyrics.

Now before you start ranting off at me for coming up with another dumb idea, hear me out. What better way to look deep into a person’s soul than a sneak peek into their music? Not only will people be able to express themselves passionately, but you’ll also know what songs will perk their ears at the dinner table.

I’m thinking that a 5-10 second piece from the song be attached to your profile to show that you’re more than just words, but someone’s words much more famous than you.

But what songs could be helpful to a profile? Allow me to cipher through some of today’s cutting edge lyrical genius for you to get your minds churning.

“‘F’ seeking ‘M’ to feel like a virgin, touched for the very first time.”

“You and me baby ain’t nuthin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel.”

Facebook status: "PLEASE date me!"

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”

“You taste like honey, honey. Tell me can I be your honey?”

“Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo’ bills? Then maybe we can chill.”

“Quick to the point, to the point no fakin’. Cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon.”

“You don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on. I just need your body baby. From dusk till dawn.”

“We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of. You wouldn’t get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling. Gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.”

“Rah-rah ah-ah-ah. Roma Roma-ma. Gaga ooh-la-la. Want your bad romance.”

“If you’re lookin’ for thrills baby this is it! Even the queen o’ Sweden sometimes is needin’ some yuks. So if you’re on the prowl for a night to howl, just duck! Bend over, I’ll drive, bend over, I’ll drive.”

Tags: classifieds, dating, lyrics, music, Spice Girls
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Chainmail? How about e-mail?

Monday, May 17th, 2010

"You're banging two coconuts together!"

Men (as a majority) seem to have a large fascination with violence. Things like wrestling, boxing and kung-fu have somehow been infused into our DNA to have that all-too-familiar “I can’t look away” gene.

But there’s something about the Medieval weaponry that gets some people roused every time. It could be from the countless pages about the historic battles for kingdoms, or mixing reality with fantasy by playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Most that enjoy swords and fantasy are those who are more inclined to watch any movies with swords or sharp objects (Blade, X-Men Origins: Wolverine), but for those who enjoy more than just imagining living in a world with blades, not bullets, there are those who seize the opportunity.

LARPing (Live Action Role Playing) is one way to live out those fantasies. There was a semi-accurate representation in the film Role Models, but essentially it’s a chance to dress up and hit each other with foam weapons while wearing chain armour.

Waiting for a time machine.

But wait, there’s more.

If foam weapons aren’t your thing, there is hope for those who are apparently looking for a sword that’ll do more than make your basement wall look “totally badass”.

Man, I wish I was as cool as he was…

Who says playing outside isn't fun anymore?

Seeing this raises the question: Do we need a sword like this?

Or is it knowing that the sword can cut a pig’s head in twain enough to have it? Why have a replica Aragorn sword from Lord of the Rings when you can have a two-handed piece of steel that can cut through the mightiest of leather boots (and the toes to boot)?

This will really step up your game when LARPing next weekend, huh? And to finish the deal, you could do a few chin-ups with your sword. Why? Because you can!

I may feel the urge to laugh (especially with those “totally badass” poses the demonstrator has), but the minute someone makes a lightsaber, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be arrested.

I think these kids are too young to be wielding such a magnificent blade.

Tags: d&d, LARP, role models, swords
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But does it have stage presence?

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Stop. Collaborate and listen. And stop.

Kylie!

Musical!

Two words that together, minus an ‘a’ and ‘l’ seems absolutely logical, and very successful. Her latest album Aphrodite is coming out in a couple months, so it further proves my point.

However there seems to be an ‘a’ and ‘l’ added, and thus, we must now discuss the possibility of a musical surrounding Kylie’s lyrics.

At first I thought we would get to see her beginnings on the Aussie TV show Neighbours as Charlene, but instead the musical will focus on the interpretation of her tracks, like spinning around, which of course could be Kylie…spinning around.

And around.

Doesn’t this concept get you thinking about all the musicians out there that would provide such better stories on stage than Kylie? Exactly what I was thinking!

So here it is, for your enjoyment: Music that should be made into a musical.

Iggy as Iggy. Broadway and West End will sell out.

Iggy Pop - Maybe ‘Brick by Brick’ is too risque for the stage, but if Harry Potter can get his kit off, a 21-year-old with an Iggy look would be close enough to the rock god.

Bon Jovi – The whole Slippery When Wet album (which is getting a special edition released this month) would be perfect for stage, including a teenager having a bit of a whine and rebelling against his parents for taking away his TV for “It’s My Life”.

Madonna - “I tried to be a boy, I tried to be a girl”? How about ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show: Part Deux’?

The Cramps - ‘Human Fly’ sung as a sad opera, single spotlight, and violins.

Metallica - We could turn ‘Fuel’ into a Speed Racer-esque montage, with cardboard road signs zooming past. And put a big ‘Gasoline’ label on his sports drink bottle for an extra laugh.

Black Eyed Peas – In the end, after looking for love, they all turn out to have a great night.

Justin Bieber - Bieber in a baby suit, singing about…him being a baby. Which he is. Don’t argue. I retract this idea. Get him off the stage. Unless it’s of him being humiliated for two hours (without an intermission).

Got any other bands worth an encore?

Tags: black eyed peas, iggy pop, justin bieber, kylie, musical
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Making a boob of yourself

Monday, May 10th, 2010

Forget Gods of Olympus, we've got something more powerful!

Mother always said: “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all.”

It’s unfortunate that mothers don’t also say “If you don’t know enough about something, don’t pretend you do.”

The reason being that if you say something absolutely ludicrous, chances are your image, and everything you stand for, will be jeopardised.

When a Facebook page called ‘Boobquake’ popped up on people’s screens, we assumed the same: Some guy thinks massive boobs are awesome.

In fact it was started by a Jennifer McCreight, who wanted to prove wrong what an Iranian cleric thought about the effect of breasts on the world. We all have our pre-conceptions on what effect they have, but read on.

Without skewing any facts here, the cleric preached that cleavage causes earthquakes (quote): “Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupting their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.”

As far as speeches go, there are parts where the sentence has enough power without having to blame seismic activity on the cut of T-shirt.

"If I don't see it, doesn't make me gay."

This isn’t the first time someone of religious power has said something ridiculous. The United States is the home to Pat Robertson, who had no issue going on television saying that homosexuality causes “earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor”.

I love how he sounded like a weatherman, as if the amount of assless chaps on a gay pride parade was the tipping point to a chunk of space rock flying towards the Earth.

The ‘Boobquake’ page promoted a day for “women to wear something that’s a little more immodest than what they’d normally wear”.

But is it the sight of them, or the size? A woman in Peru had almost 16kg from her breasts removed when her pregnant body didn’t stop growing, even after her child was born. What causes THAT, cleric?

On a slightly ironic note, an earthquake 6.9 on the scale did occur off of Taiwan that day. Perhaps its the amount of cleavage per capita? Taiwan, great job on the geological experiment!

Here are a couple titles that could sum up all the questions that must be lingering in some people’s minds still.

'Men are stupid...and they Like Big Boobs'

'Boobs: An American Obsession'

Now if I could only find what causes volcanic eruptions, and punch the person/people responsible for holding up my plane…

Tags: boobquake, eartthquake, natural disaster, taiwan, united states, us
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Not Easy Being Blue

Friday, May 7th, 2010

Gonzo the Great

Kermit always said it wasn’t easy being green, but I think the colour that gets more of a hard wrap is blue.

Blue is associated with many a peculiar thing: Berries, urinal cakes, non-water urinal cakes (in fact if there are actually any blue cakes on sale, I wouldn’t trust it).

The word is always associated with depression (unless you consider Coldplay’s take on yellow), or being choked.

This is a salute to those who are proud to be in their skin (or fur), and living life as a certain shade of blue.

Top 16 Toughest Blue Dude/Dudettes in History

Max Rebo (Star Wars: Return of the Jedi) – Best jazz keyboardist in the galaxy, but what a tough gig he’s got.

Genie (Aladdin) – Matches the blue, since underneath the antics of an overexcited comedian lies a sad, sad individual. Under that is more laughter, and booze.

Mystique/Nightcrawler/Beast (X-Men) – Mutants tend to be blue, and for shapshifting, teleporting or just…being a big beast guy, these guys take the cake. Hard to hide though with a blue rack, long tail, or just…being a big beast guy.

Diva Plavalaguna

Lady Smurfette (The Smurfs) – Not only is she blue, she’s the ONLY lady in the village! Imagine the pressure going out for a smurf. Everyone’d be smurfing in your smurf.
Neytiri (Avatar) – She’s the blue Pocahontas of this generation, and as costly as it was to have her created, I’m sure plenty of people will be growing their ponytails in the hopes that it starts to grow little attachment things.
Blue (Blue’s Clues) – The cute pup who’s always hunting for something around the house. Maybe he’s blue from all the running around finding stuff for Steve. Steve’s an idiot. It’s right behind him.
Sully (Monsters Inc.) – A loveable and cuddly-looking monster who is given the temporary task of taking care of a kid. What’s more is being shamed from having a human at work. Talk about backwards thinking! Monster Luther King had a dream (or for monster’s sake, nightmare).
Dory (Finding Nemo) – Positivity in the sea will get you killed. Dory’s blessed with a naive perception on life, but let’s be honest here. Dory is not a dory, but a regal tang fish.
Dr. Manhattan (The Watchmen) – Blue waaaaang. That’s all that movie was! Blueeee wannnng! Girls don’t want that…do they?

Kimahri

Kilmahri Ronso (Final Fantasy X) – Pretty obedient (and badass) Ronso, protecting Yuna since she was seven, then while she’s doing her pilgrimage. The other Ronso rejected him from the group since he was shorter, and had a broken horn. Tough break, kid.
Krystal (Star Fox Adventures) – She’s the sole survivor of her home planet Cerinia. That’s…just really crappy. She’s got Fox, but he’s no blue fox. It’s just not the same when you’re the last one.
Trisolians (Futurama) – Liquid aliens that fit into a soda bottle. Future emperors assassinate the current emperor by drinking them from their soda bottle home. Sucks to be you if you were drunk by a 20th Century pizza delivery kid and had to be cried out by getting a bending unit to bash you up.
Diva Plavalaguna (5th Element) – She had the theatre mezmerized by her opera singing. That is until she’s shot, blue blood spilling and all. Kudos to her for being a guardian and all, but what a way to go out, huh. Big…bada boom.
Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic) – Always running. What from, Sonic? If we saw where you started running, would be find anything incriminating?

Gonzo the Great (Muppets) – He’s always trying to show himself as great, but misses his chances at doing so. He’s also in love with a chicken (and not in the “Damn, these eleven spices really highlight the flavour!”). What’s worse, no one knows WHAT he is. The only people who do know are his parents, who aren’t talking. Apparently it’s a taboo topic at the dinner table.

Tags: aladdin, avatar, kermit, muppets, smurf, sonic, x-men
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The Tall and Short of it

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

Both of them just look cool. Don't know why.

I saw a video showing the world’s tallest man and the world’s shortest man meeting for the first time.

You’ve got to wonder how their conversation would start.

“Wow, you’re really tall.”
“Wow, you’re really short.”

Then after they part ways, their lives are more fulfilled that their unique size was put on the pedestal again by us normal folk.

There are a lot of films that use these types of abnormalities to create humour for us seeking something different, not to embrace but to ridicule.

Most of these movies try to work in an element of understanding within the community to this black sheep, with a hightened sense of acceptance from the initially biased group.

High school tends to be the perfect scenario for such a story premise. Not only are people beginning to find out more about themselves, but also how to interact with those going through the same thing.

Slo-mo can even make the Superbad kids look cool.

That’s why once the ‘cool’ is established, anything outside of this is considered different.

A girl without blonde hair is considered different from the cool group. But throw in a man as high as your knee, and you’ve got hilarity.

It was just Audrey Hepburn’s birthday. It was also International Star Wars Day (“May the 4th be with you”), but in honour of class, here are a few films that don’t take this on so literally (or do), but still in itself is a demonstration of how changing the different is so ‘in’.

Take in foreigner, make her local: Mean Girls – Innocent girl from Africa goes into a high school to learn the ways of the school group psyche. She starts to act just like them, and as a result learns that blending in with the pack isn’t what it seems.

Free haircuts? What a man.

Wrong place, wrong time: Edward Scissorhands – Socially-inept outsider living in a spooky mansion is brought into neighbourhood suburbia to fit in. He has scissors and knives for hands.

Gentle giant behind goggle glasses: Napoleon Dynamite – The Liger-loving, socially challenged nunchuck wielder Napoleon somehow becomes a sensation when he dances in front of the whole school to get students to ‘Vote for Pedro’. This movie caused a lot of would-be normal people to join the group of ‘those’ people when wearing ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirts everywhere.

Destroying segregation with song and dance: Hairspray – Crushing the dreams of people purely from their weight is an age-old tradition to those wanting to torture, but for one “larger than life” (which is Hollywood’s way of saying overweight) high school kid who rises above the segregation of the old days to be accepted.

Destroying sanity with song and dance: High School Musical – Nothing good about this series if you’re not also into Barbie dolls and think high school is just, like, the best time everrrr. Sorry, just wanted to diss this.

Creating a monster: Clueless – When Alicia Silverstone’s character takes an unpopular girl under her wing to make her popular, it backfires. Sure, it’s like Mean Girls, only for some reason it was a little more believable than a girl who could predict the weather with her breasts. Then again, they may be more reliable than the current weather watchers we have.

Popular American in Uptight England: Wild Child – The over-the-top story about a spoiled Malibu girl going to an English boarding school, and the scriptwriter’s transparency as being someone who watched a few episodes of MTV and completely figured out how teenage girls act.

Turning Nerd into Bombshell: She’s All That – An earlier flick that gave the idea of ‘making’ someone better by cutting the hair a little and taking off the glasses. We are quite a shallow society if that works. But did you see Gloria’s new hairdo today? I never knew the janitor was so beautiful…

Tags: audrey hepburn, high school musical, lindsay lohan, mean girls, napoleon dynamite, shortest, tallest
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Setting the jump over the shark

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

Jumping the Shark (Not to scale)

We all like making a laugh about TV shows ‘Jumping the Shark’ or taking it one episode too far, losing the credibility that all those years accumulated.

The term came from Happy Days, when the Fonz was about to do said deed literally. It was that pivotal moment when we all thought: “Have we seen enough of Happy Days?”

Sure, no one wants to leave the bar where everybody knows your name, but there comes a time in one’s life when you realise there isn’t anything new for you, and because of this, moving on seems right.

Sometimes people miss this memo. Mostly television producers.

Season 1's Fonz - A foreboding vision?

It’s happened to Scrubs, when the main characters all left, and the producers thought no one would notice.

It’s like replacing a roast dinner with spam and saying: What’s wrong? “You can still eat it!”

Some look at this term as a very harsh way of judging a show, but other times there truly are moments when you need to bite your tongue and say “Yes, that shouldn’t have ever happened”.

I bring to you a Nostradamus-esque warning of the future. When you see these plot points of your favourite TV shows, switch the TV off before your memories are ruined forever!

All visions come with the 'Fonz Stamp of Approval'

Episodes that Signal a Jumping of the Shark

Spongebob Squarepants – SB talks about global warming damaging the coral.

American Idol – All three judges fail to allow a single singer past the auditions, as all the ‘good’ ones have been taken.

News – When the newsreader starts his/her sentence with “OMG did you hear?…”

CSI Miami (if it’s still running) – Horatio runs out of witty one-liners, and forgets his sunglasses. The Who quits.

30 Rock – NBC moves from 30 Rockefeller Plaza

The Office (U.S.) – The Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company faces bankruptcy and the show follows the ex-employees working at fast food restaurants

"POLIO!"

House – House starts diagnosing people on the streets moments before they catch the disease

24 – Jack Bauer has a 24 drinking marathon to complete or the world will be destroyed, and still doesn’t go to the bathroom.

The Vampire Diaries – They broadcast a second episode.

The Simpsons – The very first episode is remade, and no one notices

The X-Factor – Danii Minogue walks on stage.

And for those who haven’t seen it yet on our main page or on Facebook, allow me to give you a heads up: We’ve got ourselves an iPad to give away.

That’s right, while I’m slaving away making sure you lot get the latest and wittiest news on all things entertainment, all you need to log in (or sign up), and you’re already in the draw.

Seems a little easy, and believe me, I’d enter it if I could.

The Apple iPad will be released in the UK at the end of May, so we’re giving one away to one lucky CD WOW! Member.

Click on the lovely machine to enter.

CLICK ME!

And sorry people outside UK, this comp’s not for you.