Before the stereo, we had...
Before your fancy iPhone, before your lavish CD player, before your cassette boom box, listening to music while lying down in your bed was a little tougher.
I can understand why the elderly tell us of the old days, because we can then learn how tough it was, and prepare to exaggerate our own stories to our children.
Ten miles always seems to turn into twenty. Even if your county didn’t snow, it was packed full of the white powder whenever they went outside. And yet, some still don’t believe in global warming.
“But grandpa, the temperature’s gotten hotter every year!”
“That’s because you’re sitting inside playing your video games! When I was your age, kicking cans gave us enough entertainment.”
In retrospect, kicking cans nowadays shows signs of aggressive behaviour, which could manifest into a deeper psychological issue down the track. The court wouldn’t listen to the excuse: “But grandpa told me so!” (although saying that, blaming God and the video game Doom seems to work just fine).
If I followed my grandpa’s tastes nowadays, all my mp3s would come included with scratches that “tell the story about the record”. He could never admit that the first time he tried to scratch vinyl like a Disc Jockey, he ended up damaging his favourite Bing Crosby album.
Don't listen to this bloke
These are the types of nightmares where the zany PR officers out there, trying to be wild and different become outright horrific. Or it could be the result of said person trying to fix a horrible incident with a celebrity or company ‘mishap’. They can be clever with their words, so let us embellish cleverness with our own wordplay. A PR celebrating PR, as it were.
Shameless - A classic
Best Erotic Novel
Most of you may think that your monthly subscription to FHM, Nuts or any other magazine with a mixture of beer, sports and women (one of which wouldn’t want to be near either) is enough to be in this category.
It’s not an erotic novel, it’s like the feather tickle of a PG-rated burlesque show.
We’re talking about the kind of novel where absolutely ridiculous scenarios, and ridiculously flattering descriptions of characters are (very) loosely based around the author, and for no apparent reason, a picture of Fabio.
Don’t question my sources.
Let’s just say a certain ‘nanna’ said “Nanna” to being named.
Jeremy pwns n00bs
Best T-Shirt Slogan
We know you’ve been with stupid, that you drink a lot of beer and like to call yourself something magnificent. But we want to read something new.
Something that we don’t see everyday, and that deserves a shout-out at least. Most of the good shirts are never worn in dear they’ll be damaged.
Someone needs to give a voice to the little thread. The Wowwies are here to help.
For the record, anyone who wears a shirt that insinuates that you are the man to see when it comes to any sort of fellatio, then you’re broadcasting your inability to make anyone smile (even yourself). Harsh words, but then again, I’m only here to help.
Sexiest Video Game Character
I have to admit, there was a moment when I seriously wanted a real life Daphne from Dragon’s Lair.
For all the coins I could conjure to reach that princess in the black dress taken by the evil dragon, it was a struggle all in vain. But when I finally remembered every direction off by heart, when nothing stood in my way, the dragon was slain and Daphne was set free, I had a disheartening realisation: Dirk the hero had her, not me.
For a young boy, putting his hard-earned dollars into saving this beauty, only to be taken away by a clumsy knight, it hurt. It hurt.
So! Without further a due, we present the category of sexiest video game characters that were made to do to teenagers and adults what Daphne did to me. *Wipes away single tear*
The Greyest Person
This category goes to the person that you first think of when someone mentions a grey character. Could be anyone you can think of within relative celebrity status wider than “Oh my boss is a jerk” thing.
Whoever you imagine would form thunderclouds from their sheer presence will automatically become a nominee.
Fluffy God Hand
Hand of God
If you haven’t heard of this term before, then it’s time we crushed your undeniable anger towards believing acts encouraged by a higher being. At the start of many sporting events all over the world, players, coaches and fans pray that their team will win. Once every 23 years, God Almighty (of an unspecified religion) will grace their power to influence a team to win. Whether it be dust flying in a an umpire’s eye, a player’s physical talents exceeding their usual potential, or even moving their body unknowingly, we want to award the instance where a higher being has shown its true colours, and its gambling habits.
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