Posts Tagged ‘wowwies’

The Wowwies are coming!

Monday, January 18th, 2010


On January the 23rd, the SAG Awards are on.

On January the 31st, the Grammy Awards are on.

On March the 5th, the Independent Spirit Awards are on.

On March the 7th, the Oscars are on.

Aren’t you glad that there’s an award show worth watching before them all?

To get you all ready for the momentous, and beginning of a truly amazing award show, we have for you the teaser for the 1st Annual Wowwie Awards.

I know. I’m excited too.

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Why does every vending machine have to deceive us?

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Sometimes you wonder what the aftermath of a stunt like this is…

This video tries to “Share the Happiness”, but when you look a little deeper into the issue, what this really does is give people the same deceptive experience as some people have been feeling with post-Avatar blues. But let’s investigate this further.

It's true. Girls love chocolate more.

The first woman only starts to share the machine’s ‘fault’ after the fifth bottle comes out. Had it stopped at four, she would’ve walked away.

[Lesson #1: We’re greedy up to a certain point. >4 items = Societal pressure to share]

Then the machine gives flowers. I would say for the three girls given flowers, they would soon return to their boyfriend, yelling lines similar to Janet Jackson’s “What have you done for me lately?”.

[Lesson #2: If you don’t treat your woman right, she’ll find love from a 600ml dispenser mouth]

0% Trustworthy. 100% Sue-Proof.

Students were given an abundance of items following that, like that flashy light thingy and a balloon dog.

That large pizza and giant sandwich raises some concerns. What if a student got food poisoning from the sandwich? Who would you sue, the vending machine?

[Lesson #3: To save restaurants and cafes copious amounts of legal fees, dispense all meals via a vending machine]

When all is said and done, what happens to these students? These kids are working two jobs just to pay the rent, without even thinking about the amount of homework gathering up.

This magical vending machine suddenly appears, promises you the world full of soft drinks, pizza and sandwiches, then all of a sudden, everything’s gone.

It’s just another blank wall in a hallway of dismay and dullness. A blank, ungenerous wall with no consideration for the students. Who’s there to explain to the hundreds of kids pumping in their change to get take-away Chinese, a DVD rental or results to their final exams?

I think our machine's a Chia pet

All that our office’s machines do is demand money, and then more money. Only then will the machine think about dispensing one of its items. I’m suspicious the machines are trying to dupe me.

At least I know what’s ahead for my future with our machine. Forget hostile takeover of the world by Schwarzenegger robots, I just want my crisps damnit!

And now, to announce the fifth and final round of nominees for the Wowwies Awards! And the nominees are:

Sexiest Video Game Character
Ophelia -- Brutal Legend
Bayonetta – Bayonetta
Chloe Frazer -- Uncharted 2
Ezio -- Assassin’s Creed II

The Greyest Person
Gordon Brown
Jennifer Aniston
Ben Stein
Nicole Kidman

Hand of God
Thierry Henry
Diego Maradona
Fabio Grosso
Mohammed Ali

And that’s it! The final listing of nominees to the very 1st Annual Wowwies Awards! Tune in early next week, when we get exclusive coverage of the Red Carpet, then the ceremony!

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Who are we gonna call?

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Ivan Reitman has confirmed that he will direct the new Ghostbusters film.

This is pretty awesome news in my opinion. This is to top the news that Harold Ramis mentioned a few weeks ago that there were plans for a 2011 release for the script he and Dan Aykroyd have been working on since the video game sparked interest for an actual movie.

It comes as a risky venture when trying to rekindle the love people had for Ghostbusters, and falls into the paradox of the Old VS New argument.

It's...not the same.

If you can remember when you first saw Ghostbusters, and remember your age, you might notice that you were younger than you are now.

If you weren’t, that’s incredibly freaky, and I suggest you hand over your time travel device, or teach me how to look into the future.

Nostalgia has been coming up a lot recently with all of these remakes. You can’t just replace the actors with new ones.

Scrubs is in its ninth season, but most of the main characters aren’t there anymore. Avoiding the ‘Jumping the Shark’ issue with franchises is incredibly hard when you think about longevity.

"O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!"

Not many have survived such a problem.

South Park has gotten increasingly better ever since the 4th season, where fart jokes reigned supreme. Trey Parker and Matt Stone were going to retire the show, but fans (yours truly included) are glad they stuck with it, because now there’s an animation with a 7-day turnaround that can be more topical than the usual 9-month procedures that The Simpsons and Family Guy have to endure.

But not to worry, there’s still hope for Ghostbusters! The original cast have all said “Yes” to it, as long as the script is good enough. There’s even rumours that Rick Moranis, who has taken retirement from the entertainment industry, might come back from retirement for a little cameo.

And now, to announce the fourth round of nominees for the Wowwies Awards! And the nominees are:

P.R. Nightmares
Oprah KFC’s chicken coupon riots
Domino’s YouTube scandal
Low-flying planes over Manhattan
Balloon Boy

Best Erotic Novel
The Diary Of Cozette
Winter’s Desire
Sex Drive
The Moonlight Mistress

Worst T-Shirt Slogan
Christian Chicks – Praise the Lord
The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
Don’t Mess With Texas
Not Tonight Ladies – I’m Just Here to Get Drunk ‘OR’ Sorry Ladies – The Shirt is Staying On

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Spoiled with technology

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Louis C.K‘s right: We are spoiled.

Who would have thought that waiting longer than 10 seconds for your e-mail would be torture, when snail mail took days, even weeks?

Phones used to be stuck to the wall. Watches used to be conformed to moving arms before those numbers became digital. Some people still struggle reading the analog-style clock.

It always seemed to flash 12:00...

I remember movies had to be rented out on VHS tapes (or Beta tapes if you go further back). If you wanted to be naughty, you would find a friend with their own VCR, and you could copy your favourite shows and movies. But then there was the dreaded plastic tab that prevented you from making copies.

Unless you had sticky tape.

So you’re sitting on your computer, most likely enjoying the speeds of broadband and beyond. You know what? Even I’m thinking old-school. You could be on your hand-held phone while doing your business in the bathroom (I appreciate the attention you’re giving to my scribes whilst on the throne).

Sometimes it’s good to just sit back, and notice all the cool little things we’ve taken for granted. Heck, you can have free video calls online. Free! I remember having to decode which aunt, uncle or cousin I was speaking to due to the low quality of the telephone.

“Ugh. Mum! My hyper flying sports car’s broken! Can you get dad to download the mechanic personality into the robot again?”
“Dad? You never had a dad. YOU’RE a robot!”

And now, to announce the third round of nominees for the Wowwies Awards!
And the nominees are:

Worst Album Artwork
Empire of the Sun
Jet – Shaka Rock
Whitney Houston – I Look To You
Neil Young – Fork in the Road

Worst Book Cover
One Hundred Ways For a Horse To Train Its Human
Hot Italian Dish
How to be Greek
Strictly Cat Dancing

Worst Cover Version
Celine Dion & Anastacia – You Shook Me All Night Long
A Cover Band -- Final Countdown
Glee -- Don’t Stop Believing
No Doubt – Stand and Deliver

Worst Invention of the Year
Smile Police
Gas Mask Bra
Dog Snuggie

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Cat Bowling + 3rd Wowwies Categories

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Kittens are cute. Cats aren’t.

Cats shoving themselves in a goldfish bowl = EPIC WIN.

There’s a list of the 50 Funniest Headlines of 2009. I didn’t create the list, but the least I could do is share it with you all.

I do agree with the statement about Courtney Love…
I just watched the trailer for the movie Big River Man, which was played at last year’s Sundance Festival. How did this movie slip past my fingers?

The man hurdles down dangerous rivers, and somehow doesn’t get attacked by the crocodiles and flesh-eating piranha? And the guy’s over 50 years old! Beer gut and all!

And now, for the second announcement of Wowwies Award categories! This bunch of Wowwies Awards goes out to the ‘Worst of’s out there that need to be awarded, but only to publically humiliate. They are:

Ken - By Request Only?

Worst Album Artwork
Spinal Tap tried to be different on a number of occasions, but just couldn’t get it right. For 2009, we look at bands that weren’t inspired by a mockumentary, and how much of a failure their album cover was.

No no no no...

Worst Book Cover
Books are written by scholars and those with intellect (most of the time, as Sarah Palin has demonstrated). Though these authors may have talent behind the pen, the pencil is a different story. We went through books high and low to find the covers with the biggest lack of inspiration and talent we’ve seen (and want to un-see).


Worst Cover Version
I’m not talking about the worst cover at your local pub where the 40-somethings hammer out their take on Summer of ’69. These nominees are well-payed, over-appreciated ‘talent’ who are putting nails-on-chalkboard to the very music you swore to protect when you said “No one can ruin this song for me”.

"I'm having fun..."

Worst Invention of the Year
When electricity was invented, who knew that the technology it would inspire also create such monstrosities as the Furby? They’re out there, whether it be useless tools, evil robots, or just plain dumb, we hand out a Wowwie to the worst of the worst. It’s a benefit to them, as the award itself would increase the invention’s worth, but not its usefulness.

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Be Your Own Avatar + 2nd Wowwies Categories

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

Na'vi = Awesome Smurfs

Avatar is a great movie. See for me, I wasn’t on the Titanic bandwagon, so for me to not like James Cameron’s most expensive film at the time, it was hard for me.

Now I can reminisce about the movie that cost more to create than the US’ $300 million anti-terror aid in Pakistan.

For those who are just as infatuated by Avatar as I am, I’ve found a handy video for those wanting to look just like the Na’vi.

"How will I see that cute kitty getting tickled now?"

And now, for the second announcement of Wowwies Award categories! They are:

YouTube Sensation

Let’s face it, if YouTube broke down today, the working world will increase productivity by a bajillion-fold (we wouldn’t know how to look like a Na’vi!). We’d also be facing an epidemic of bored workmates not knowing what to talk about in the lunch rooms. This category finds the best YouTube video. We promise that this category has banned any mention of an X-Factor/Britain’s Got Talent/Anywhere Idol video. They waste just as much online air time as TV time.

A dude?

Best Makeover

“What? Best Makeover?” I hear you say. Let us at the Wowwies tell you, this is not celebrating the finest makeup job on the world’s biggest celebrities. We’re showing the biggest celebrities risking their careers over their lack of makeup application. There are a few mishaps during 2009, and rest assured we’ve found the best.

Most Unreal Reality TV Show

Reality TV has become so mainstream for television nowadays, it’s almost impossible to find a show that stars…well…a star.Whether it be travelling the world competing against douchebags, stuck on an island competing against douchebags, or people sitting on couches all day, we’ve located some of the reality TV shows you may not have seen, and may cringe over.

Cheater of the Year

To be fair, there’s more to this category than a simple point-and-laugh. We’ve got celebrities, politicians, even normal people (I say normal loosely) involved. Men cheating on women. Women cheating on men. Men cheating on men. Women cheating on…oh you get the idea.

Public Humiliation FTW

But who will come out on top (no pun intended [I’ve never gotten that term before. No pun intended not only highlights the joke within the comment, but tries to save the deliverer from being chastised for it])?

Put in your votes for the hell of it, because we want the Wowwies to explode with a loud noise. Preferably a ‘bang’.

Ka-boom is also accepted.

Splash is too soft.

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Not my brother + 1st Wowwies Categories

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

You may want to re-think about turning your siblings in for doing naughty things, because it might just backfire on you…

I’ve found out that Nicolas Cage, known for playing abstract and off-kilter characters, is now taking on a massive project which he hopes will take on as the hottest thing Hollywood has ever experienced.


He missed the nominations

He’s going to act in everything.

The Wowwies are fast approaching, and we at the World Official Wowwies Winners Intelligence Enterprise (WOWWIE for short) have the first batch of awards to be given out at this prestigious ceremony:

Biggest Douche Award
This prestigious award is given to the person (or a collective) that all things considered, just makes you go “What a douche…”. ‘Douchebag’ and ‘Double-Douche’ will both be taken into consideration for this award.

Gozer - Wo/man? No one knows...

Scariest Transgender Award
There is nothing wrong with people who are transgender, it’s just the ones who happen to be very hard to distinguish that we find a challenge. To make things easier, our award celebrates their status by naming them, thereby removing speculation of whether we’re looking at more than a he or she.

Scientology + Anyone = AHH!

Worst Lovechild Award
Ever scrunch your face, trying to pinpoint the parents of the celebrity you’re looking at? Kate Hudson was hard to pinpoint, and Liv Tyler was a shocking realisation. With a face only a mother could love, we give the award to the child that has made the most amount of controversy thanks to two well-known celebrities.

Mitch Hedberg Award
The Mitch Hedberg Award goes to the comedian that best represents the comedy of Mitch Hedberg. This year we’ve got some great nominations for this award.

We’ll be revealing more awards every day up to the final Wowwies press release. Then tune in to the LIVE* broadcast of the 1st Annual Wowwies Award Ceremony.

*Broadcast may not be live

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The Official 1st Annual Wowwies Press Release

Monday, January 4th, 2010

So tell me: How come we should go through another year of Grammys?

There should be an award ceremony that dwells into the real issues. A celebration of those finer parts of life where we look not at what a certain group of people think are good, but what we all think is good.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…the Wowwies.

Note: Not to scale

Note: Not to scale

Indeed, the first annual Wowwies is happening. I have taken the liberty to list the categories which the Wowwies will cover. Every day I will announce a couple of categories, along with the nominations in true ‘Wowwies’ fashion (which I will divulge later on).

Then we’ll put together a good ol’ video post with the glamourous winners.

Keep an eye out, because I’ll be releasing the categories daily and hopefully getting your minds to think about your own category to suggest.

I’ll choose any outstanding offers and we’ll make this an awards show that will beat those stupid Grammies right in their facies.

And no, I’m not bitter because they turned down my rap-infused polka CD from the late 90′s.