Who You Are
My testimony is a difficult thing to describe. I don't have a date or a church location of when my salvation experience occurred. I remember as a little girl, I pondered about God often, and I was scared by the thought that there could be Someone who was ultimately in control of everything. I remember sitting in a church after my grandfather's funeral. It was there that a great battle began in me. I was frightened, because when I intensely thought about it, I could not convince myself that there actually was a God. The irony was that, I was afraid He was going to harm me because "I could not believe in Him". I also struggled with deep depression, nightmares, and unrealistic fears. I recall wanting to sleep all the time to escape looming thoughts that hung like clouds. But, I would awake trying to escape from terrible dreams. A couple years later, my aunt was once again, sharing about the love of Jesus. She invited my father, my sister, and I to a church meeting. Afterwards, I did not feel any differently, but I learned of a new found gift called faith. Thereafter, my dad faithfully brought me to my aunt's church. Several altar calls later, I was still longing for God's touch, as mentally, I was still struggling deeply. Eventually, I began understanding God's Word through the teaching I was receiving. And though I still did not feel peace, I noticed that the intense fears that once ruled me were fading away. The more I placed Jesus in the center of my life, the more freedom I found. For my eighth grade year, my dad enrolled me in a Christian school, affiliated with the church we were attending. The support and love I received from my pastor and my teachers brought healing. Mentally, socially, educationally, and spiritually, I grew leaps and bounds that year. Around the age of twelve or thirteen was the time I, finally, could believe and accept that Jesus had saved me. I was riding my bike, and as always, I made room on the seat for Jesus. It was then that I asked Him when He was going to save me. That is when I heard Him say, "Could you live without me?" I said "No". Then He simply said, "Then you are saved." At that moment something broke and though doubts and fears were still a part of my life, I never again doubted God's existence. The following year, I had to return to public school. This was difficult for me because, previously in school, I was ridiculed. But things were different this time. The fact that I knew I was a child of God, somehow lessened my longing to be accepted by others. It was in those four lonely years of high school that the Lord spoke life over me. He gave me peace of mind, freeing me from fears and mental torment. He gave me more insight and understanding of His word. And He gave me many songs that healed my heart. Upon looking back at my childhood, I see His beautiful hand intricately involved in each moment of my life. And though pain, fear, and loneliness were present, so was His hand that carried me through. I can, securely, say now that though I did not know it, or feel it, I have always been His.